Dear Diary,
What they say about Lagos[1] is true
Before I had this encounter I am about to share with you, I genuinely thought that this happened only in movies. No one I know in real life has ever met people (and consistently too) like this. I read about it in books and the stories that people share about their lives on social media. You need to understand the novelty of the terrain I strolled into with this one.
If you are a regular here, I owe you an apology. I know I promised you weekly posts, but life, with its twists and turns, has me perpetually in survival mode. I am also currently navigating a new role with increased responsibilities. One good thing about my role is that I get to interact with more people than I am used to. Hopefully, my creative juices will start flowing again. The grind is forever, but the art must survive.
Back to the gist.
Late last year, I met a young man. Someone I knew from before. Kindergarten, to be precise. Through High School, he would follow me home and play with my siblings. He crushed on me so bad and obviously too, but he never asked me out. He followed me around whenever he could. Things stayed that way till I got into the university and he grew up. Because of this, I did not do my due diligence. Normally, when I meet a new man, I ask him the most important questions of all:
“Are you married?”
“Does anyone think they are married to you?”
“Are you in a relationship?”
“Does anyone think that you have a serious relationship with them?”
These questions are vital because nearly all the men in Lagos are mad. They have been known to commit the error of omission when it comes to saying they are married. The onus therefore, falls on the woman to ask explicitly. Some of them do not have the gumption to lie that blatantly. But that doesn’t guarantee they would leave you alone. You only hope that they tell you upfront so you don’t unknowingly date a married man. These men have been known to deny their wife and kids in a bid to get into the pants of an unfortunate young lady.
Lucky for me, I had never come upon the lying ones. Hence, my first mistake in this particular narrated encounter. My young man from before posed as an unmarried hustling man in Lagos, hustling for his daily bread before thinking of marriage.
We reconnected on Facebook. Before we physically saw each other again, he asked me why a young, beautiful woman like me was still single in a place like Lagos. I told him about my travails with married men. They were all I seemed to attract, and I did not want to have anything to do with them. That was chance number one to tell me he was married as well. A lot of similar opportunities came up in the brief period we “dated”, where I proudly said I could show him off on social media, if not that he was camera-shy. My mind could not cook up the possibility of him not wanting his wife to see him in a loved-up picture or video with another woman.
On one of his chatty days, he told me he had never been without a girlfriend in Lagos because of dating apps. He always had someone on call whenever he started feeling the need for a woman’s warmth. That was the first time I realised people actually use dating apps to find people to have sex with. My young man was never in on the dating part. He just wanted to be between a woman’s legs as often as his strength could carry.
From that moment, I knew he was not a keeper, but I could manage him for the time being. What do you mean you use dating apps for one-night stand appointments? What have people not abused?
Pardon my disillusionment. Apparently, I know very little of the things people do for sex. Like, I have mentioned severally, I lived a very shielded life but divorce has removed that shield.
Lemme tell you the dramatic story of how I found out he was married. We had been “dating” for over a month. Our calls were all I seemed to look forward to, and he never disappointed — morning, afternoon, night. I was in bliss knowing I finally snagged a young, handsome, flauntable, can-make-love-very-well, unmarried man in the sea of crazy married Lagos men.
If I told you there were no signs to make me doubt his marital status, would you believe me?
First, we only met in hotels. But remember, he had just moved to Lagos and was still househunting. He occasionally stayed with his married cousin. That was the story he told me. I mean, it’s very believable right? I hope you did not expect me to go to his cousin’s house just to be sure. I pride myself as an overthinker but I have never allowed myself the luxury of paranoia. Remember, my sanity was still tied together by a thread and this guy was literally a glue at this point.
So, no! There were absolutely no question marks in his story. We met every weekend in that first month.
By the middle of month two, he started talking about things in his family that would not allow him to marry or stay married. I started sensing that he wanted me to reduce my expectation of him marrying me. I did not waste time in assuaging his fears that marriage was the last thing on my mind at the time. He was very safe.
Still, he continued. Anytime I would slip into a rant about how unfaithful married men irk me, he would start painting scenarios that justify cheating, but only for a man. In our culture, women are not allowed to cheat. It is an abomination. The men are allowed to, it’s just never stated plainly.
One Wednesday evening, as I was packing up to go home after a long day at work, he called and said he had something to tell me. I said, “Shoot”.
He said, “I am married”.
He started saying some other things to back up why he didn’t think it was an important fact, but I stopped hearing after the first sentence. My heart became very tight in my chest. I don’t remember any ringing sounds in my head but I remember my head feeling heavy. I mean, I had explicitly and continuously stated my disgust for being someone’s side chick. Why was he telling me this now?
When he noticed I wasn’t saying anything. He asked why I wasn’t talking. I told him I needed to get home. And not to call me again. I hung up.
The week that followed was a blur. At the end of it, the summary of his story was:
He said I never asked directly. This was someone I thought I knew from childhood. No one we both know together even knows he is secretly married.
Yes, it was a secret affair. Apparently, he had gotten a young virgin girl pregnant. In a bid to cover the girl’s shame, he married her. Out of pity. Those were his words.
As if being forced into a marriage was not bad enough, the child died.
At some point, he started demanding my forgiveness. He said his marriage felt like he was being punished for something. This therefore gave him a free pass to cheat as a salve for his mental wounds. And I was just the perfect person. Every other lady starts demanding marriage after a few months, at which point he has to drop the marriage bomb. And the cycle begins again.
If I told you that this is only one of such experiences that I have had in this little time I have been away, would you believe?
Don’t forget to sign up to read more of my encounters while navigating life as a divorced and single mother.
Footnotes:
- Lagos is a metropolitan city in Western Nigeria. As the economic capital of the country, it is one of its most overpopulated cities. Lagos is wild, chaotic, and full of vibrant energy that draws everyone to come live and make money.